[Mid] So you are dating a Viking Lady

Nephew:

I congratulate you on your new excursion upon the Sea of Love! I can
see that you have a real find in that young lady of yours! You asked me
for some advice about keeping the flame alive in your relationship with
the very different and exciting Lady of yours, so I now take pen in hand
to perhaps give you some advice on dating your Viking Lady!

Remember first that she is a real prize, my boy! Loyal, trustworthy,
clean, reverent, and all those good virtues. All that jewelry that she
wears upon her is not just for show. You may not know it, but that
represents all of her worldly monies! Yes, and now yours too, though
you may not realize it yet! Don't worry about it ever being stolen. No
man in his right mind would ever even think of tempting that right hook
Viking Ladies are famous for! Oh, and do remember that she LOVES to
have pretties added to her "collection". Silver and gold jewelry,
stones that sparkle (especially the diamonds), and knives. This is a
sure way to keep her interest!

Speaking of which, the best gift I know of for a Viking Lady is amber.
Necklaces, carved, chunks, statues, you make it out of amber and she
will love it. If she can stand under the weight of her amber, she needs
more. It will slow her down to the point where you can catch her for
love making, and it will help keep her girlish figure, so this is an
investment in the future! Oh, and note that she is top heavy; it is
quite the wrong thing to tip her over! Remember that amber comes in
various clarities, the more clear, the more prized, and Viking Ladies
love the pieces with bugs trapped in them! Something to do with their
delicate nature.

I must now warn you about that delicate nature that Viking Ladies have.
You may have noticed the extensive use of the word "hack" in her
vocabulary. This is not a coincidence, my boy! This young Lady would
be one I would want covering my backside in a skirmish! She is at least
adept at axe and knife throwing, close in fighting, not to mention short
sword and spear! I have met some that will quietly skewer a boar in
full flaming charge, cut off his cojones for a trophy, skin, truss, and
cook him for dinner and still not have a braid out of place! So never
leave your Lady home when you hunt, unless you plan to drink heavily.
She might just decide to reprimand you, and I do not wish to visit you
in the hospital.

Contrary to popular rumor, Viking Ladies do not wear steel dresses and
carry spears as fashion accessories. This is patently false, as they do
not feel they need armor. They have many unseen weapons such as
weighted tippets, knives cunningly hidden about their person, and low
cut blouses that distract their prey until it is much too late for any
but the local undertaker. Do not tempt fate with her temper, nephew!
This has been the downfall of many stout men! Remember that right hook!
Viking Ladies are well worth the effort, for once won over, they are
loyal unto death like no other woman in the world! You just have to
remember my boy, that they believe in this thing called Women's
Liberation, and though rubbish, it is dear to them, and no man likes to
be trussed up like a goose! And do not ever think of looking at another
Lady! Your Viking Lady expects the same loyalty and more from yourself!
Don't ever make the mistake of not telling her that she is the most
lovely, vivacious, bright eyed, clear skinned, wonderfully girlish, and
any other compliment that comes to mind!

Oh, and never forget that little portable hole that a Viking Lady calls
a purse! Also never dip into it. On can be lost forever in that realm
of feminine storage. Strange and dangerous items lurk there where no
man should pry. Not to mention that there are dangerous monsters
lurking in there to protect valuables from prying fingers! I still fear
the dreaded "feminine protections", whatever they are, they are the most
powerful of spells!

So now I wish to speak to you about some small changes in your lifestyle
I think you may want to make, like bathing. This may seem a bit
excessive, but it does give you a closer vantage point from which to
attack your enemies. Remember that the Vikings invented the Sauna. She
is used to men that bathe regularly, such as every day. Remember where
she comes from men seem to be related to bears, and need to clean their
fur regularly. Oh, and don't mention that I told you about the fur. It
is a deep secret among them and while not considered a bad thing, they
do get a little touchy about the subject. Another change you may
consider is the amount of drink you consume in a night may need to be
curtailed. She can and will drink you under the table, nephew, and will
proceed to do so, regularly. If you practice restraint, then she will
pass out first, and though you must carry her home, she is at your mercy
to know what happened. The blackmail possibilities are astounding!
Just make sure your "witnesses" are trustworthy!

This may be the only time you can be sure not to have a toy or two in
bed with yourselves. Viking Ladies are never without some sort of
weapon anywhere. Don't reach under the pillow too fast as they LOVE
sharp knives. Never, ever miss pillow talk with them or you may find
yourself very cold in the morning without your hair. Note that I did
not say where the shaving takes place upon your body, nephew!

Another touchy point I have found in Viking Ladies is their hair. Never
underestimate their love for their hair! They braid it to protect it,
but when they let that Crown of Glory down, you had better compliment
them profusely! Learn to like brushing their hair hundreds of strokes a
day! This can be a very sensual experience, especially when the Lady
begins to purr! I will leave the remainder of the evening to your
fertile imagination.

Your Uncle,
Arundel

From: "Baden,Doug" <baden@oclc.org>
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Received on Mon Jan 19 15:05:45 1998