[Mid] OT -- Bubba Claus

Well it seems we'll be safe this xmas, but my apologies to our Meridian and
Trimarian cousins.....

>From: Raymond Hammond <wreak@rocketmail.com>
>
>
>
>> > Subject: NOTICE FROM SANTA
>> > NOTICE FROM SANTA
>> >
>> > I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer
>> be
>> > able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
>> the
>> > overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated
>> by
>> > North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only
>> certain
>> > areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part
>> of the
>> > new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
>> cookies so
>> > keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be
>> in
>> > good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
>> cousin,
>> > Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
>> shares my
>> > goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However,
>> you will
>> > most likely notice a few changes in our gift delivery styles:
>> > 1. There is no longer a danger of The Grinch stealing your presents
>> from
>> > Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
>> that
>> > reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
>> >
>> > 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
>> leave an
>> > RC cola and pork rinds [or a moonpie] on the fireplace. Bubba will
>> not be
>> > smoking a pipe, however he does dip a little snuff though, so
>> please have
>> > an empty spit can handy.
>> >
>> > 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh will be pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
>> dogs
>> > instead of reindeer. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of loaning
>> him a
>> > couple of my reindeer last year , and now poor Blitzen's head
>> overlooks
>> > Bubba's fireplace.
>> >
>> > 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..."
>> when
>> > Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
>> Wallace, on
>> > Martin and Elliott. On Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, and Petty."
>> >
>> > 5. My familiar "Ho, ho, ho!" will be replaced by Bubbas' "Yee Haw!"
>> and
>> > Bubba's elves responding with a sharp yell of "I her'd dat!"
>> >
>> > 6. As stated in the Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh will
>> have a
>> > Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".
>> There
>> > will be other decorations on the sleigh as well. One being a Ford
>> logo
>> > with lights that race through the letters and the other, a
>> caricature of
>> > me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
>> >
>> > 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
>> Street" and
>> > "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
>> viewing area.
>> > Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and Smokey and the
>> Bandit
>> > IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
>> police cars
>> > crashing into each other.
>> >
>> > 8. Bubba Claus will not be wearing a belt. And if I were you, I'd
>> make
>> > sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to
>> put
>> > presents under the tree.
>> >
>> > 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs that have been sung about me
>> like
>> > "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
>> Coming
>> > to Town" have been replaced.... This year songs will be broadcast
>> only on
>> > the AM radio stations, and will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus
>> Shot the
>> > Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman
>> and a Six
>> > Pack", and the classic Hank Williams Jr. lovesong "If You Don't
>> Like Bubba
>> > Claus, Shove It."
>> >
>> > I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and wish you a
>> very
>> > Merry Christmas.
>> >
>> > Sincerely Yours,
>> > Santa Claus
>> > Member,
>> > North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
>>
>>
>
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From: Dana Cushing / Austrechild <austrechild@sprint.ca>
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Received on Sat Dec 18 14:37:06 1999